Positive Atmosphere
Inspiring and Empowering Positive People
How to detox your life of negative people and not feel bad about it
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain
Firstly: my definition of a toxic person- Someone who complains and dumps their problems on you but doesn’t do anything to change their situation. Someone who is not supportive. Someone who makes you feel bad. Someone who shoots down your bright ideas, big goals, or bold (and risky) decisions that you need to make in order to be successful.
Secondly, this article isn’t intended to reprimand or paint toxic people in a negative light. Toxic people are usually in a place in their life where they are not open to constructive feedback or changing, so they are stuck in their current situation and don’t have the insight to see beyond their own struggles. And that’s okay. This article is meant to advocate for you so you don’t allow their negativity to impact your life.
First, why it’s important to detox your life of negative people:
- Negative people slow you down towards achieving your goals. Whether they know it or not, they end up discouraging you from being ambitious or following your dreams by questioning what you’re doing and planting doubts in your head.
- Negative energy from toxic people affect your energy level, not to mention your stress and anxiety. Ultimately, it’s your health and well-being, so you are responsible for taking care of it!
- You need to create space for positive change to happen. Being in toxic relationships with people and allowing their negative energy into your life will hold you back from manifesting opportunities for your success. Also, releasing negative people will create space for the positive folks to enter, who will encourage, support, and help you grow as a person.
How to detox negative people from your life:
Step 1: Decide that you’re worth it
- You need to feel as if you’re worthy of achieving your goals and changing into the person you want to be. Letting go of any negativity in your life will help you get there faster. You’ve got to be committed to doing this for yourself otherwise your guilt for letting go of certain relationships will keep you in the same place (more in Step 3).
- How to realize you’re worth it: Decide. Simply. Make the choice and decide that it’s time you committed to yourself, your goals, and your dreams and you won’t let anything stop or slow you down from getting there.
- Think about the negative side effectsof holding onto these relationships. Ask yourself:
- What effect are these relationships having on my life?
- What are my goals and how badly do I want to achieve them? Are these people supporting my goals or slowing me down?
Step 2: Identify the toxic folks
- Toxic people make you feel worse than when you started talking to them. They bring your energy level down. They leave you feeling bummed out.
- There is a difference between someone sharing with you their struggles and challenges vs someone who constantly complains. The difference is someone who is genuinely struggling is willing to listen to constructive feedback and is open to change (and does change). Conversely, whiners and complainers don’t want to change and just want you to feel sorry for them.
- They shoot down your ideas. e.g., They question what you’re doing. They may say something like, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t change careers because you have so much job security here. What about your benefits? Or your retirement?” This is pretty common and sometimes subtle and harder to notice. Even though it may sound like they’re giving you advice, in the end they’re just putting more doubts into your head because your actions may bring up their own fears and insecurity.
- Toxic people can fall within the spectrum of being subtly draining to all around toxic and hostile (read: openly critical of you). But even if they fall on the less severe end of the “toxic people spectrum”, they will still bring you down. People don’t need to be outright poisonous to affect you negatively.
Step 3: Let them go
- Just start. Use whatever method you think is appropriate. Avoid them. Don’t pick up their calls. Apologize for being distant but you don’t need to explain why or defend your actions.
- You don’t have to explain anything to them unless you feel need to because they’re being persistent and pushy. This is because they are probably not in a state of mind to listen to what you have to say anyway and will probably get on the defensive if you try to explain yourself.
- Do it gracefully and with love. Send them off with love and a prayer. Be open to the possibility that if and when they are ready to change and be more positive/supportive, then you would be open to rekindling the relationship.
Step 4: Don’t feel guilty
- Again, you are worth it. You must be your own BEST FRIEND. If you don’t take charge of your life, nobody will do it for you!
- You are not abandoning them even though you may feel like that. There is a distinction between abandoning someone vs letting them go so they can find their own way. If you’ve already tried giving them advice, encouragement, or even a wake-up call and nothing happened, then no amount of wise words from you will change their thinking or behavior.
- It’s not your obligation. You may keep these people in your life because you feel like you have to or you’re obligated to. Maybe they’ve been your closest friend since grade school. Or maybe they’re your cousin and you feel obliged through your blood ties. Whatever the reason, people grow and change and it’s okay for relationships to evolve.
Step 5: Bring in the positivity baby!
Surround yourself with positive people. These are people who:
- Support your ambitions
- Encourage your ideas no matter how scary, risky, or seemingly unknown the outcome could be because they know how important it is for you.
- Are up to big things. They are people you admire because you think they kick ass in life!
This week’s tush-kickin’ challenge: Start identifying the negative relationships that you want to let go of and share with me below! What do you think are some other challenges besides guilt that will prevent you from walking away from these people?
I am a fear conqueror, life coach, and health junkie helping quarter-lifers embrace their passion, purpose, and find courage to live their dreams!
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Comment
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Comment by Chinh Pham on February 2, 2013 at 1:11pm -
Thanks for your comment Dean! You definitely exhibit selflessness and I admire that. :-)
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Comment by Jeanie Conti on January 28, 2013 at 8:46am -
Thanks for sharing this is eye opener for me...on how to detoxify myself from people who are draining my energy...
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Comment by anupamaa singh on January 23, 2013 at 12:29am -
helping my mother to detoxify, cannot cut her out of my life, so i am helping her identify with her fears, through meditation, chakra healing, healing sessions with me and other practitioner, angel therapy. she is responding but the process is slow. cutting her branches of dependency, painful process though!! but it has help me grow...
my husband, everything i have done has failed, and i know it is affecting me negatively. i am at a cross road....
many other toxic relationships have gone out automatically when i quit my job, except i am holding on to one relationship in my heart, cannot cut it out, though we have got distanced, just waiting, if things change otherwise...
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Comment by Kylie on January 11, 2013 at 12:56am -
Thanks Amethyst. How did you actually distance yourself/cut her out? My Mum is the central person in our family and if I didn't speak to her I would lose the rest of my family :s
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Comment by Amethyst Moye on January 11, 2013 at 12:43am -
Sadly my entire family, including my own sister, was toxic. My sister chose to have a relationship with our sexually abusive father and I decided that I could no longer have her in my life. She got furious with me for "forcing her to choose", but it is what it is. I don't have her rubbing her good fortune in my face, making me feel bad because of past mistakes I have made, or being just downright pushy and getting mad when she doesn't get her own way! (These are all things she accused me of, by the way.) My relationships are already improving and life is already getting better without them around. :)
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Comment by Lauren on January 9, 2013 at 3:29am -
Also, keep in mind culture differences as well as ethos. Alot of people the way they show love is concern. This mindset, is very popular out west, but back east people show love the opposite way. It's not negative, it's expressing concern, and it's a way of life. If everyone made cultural assumptions what then? We are interconnected...in Europe people aren't self defining so much, they aren't programmed as much as we are in so many ways...it's not perfect, but I noticed people were so intuitive, there wasn't as much of a difference between people, and people were kind and happy, at least from my experience. We can be in the middle, in balance, if we focus inwardly, if we focus on the love of the creator without judgement, and no forms...I think we can be sensitive, empathetic, and caring and not take in their pain. Remember people who are "negative" are survivors...and while I've seen the choices many make, they have alot of programming and the best way to reprogram is to give them stability and positivity. I think it's possible to hold space.
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Comment by Lauren on January 9, 2013 at 3:22am
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I disagree. I think you can love people and still keep them around, just with boundaries and distance, and open communication. If everyone distances from people who have had more difficult situations, or who don't know how to reprogram themselves, no one will inspire them...no one will hear them...they will get worse, and the planet will get worse. I think somewhere in the middle is more healthy. Because we all deserve a place on earth to be free and happy. Sorry to disagree...I see a different perspective:)
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Comment by Kylie on January 8, 2013 at 1:54am
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Hi Chinh. This is a great article! What do you suggest if you have toxic parents? It is really hard because I dont think I could cut them out of my life but they are very negative and will not even talk about the things that are going well in my life. My mum has narcissistic traits and my dad encourages it. I dont want them to hold me back and want to be the best I can be, so not sure what to do! Thanks :)
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Comment by Hasan Ashkanani on January 7, 2013 at 11:29pm -
Beautiful article Chinh ! At times its a sad sad late wakeup call but better now than never ! I realised a pattern of compulsive need for affection , company and pity-party , no solution-oriented problem solving after giving compassion and empathy its due , just repeating the same cycle of chronic complaining on the most petty of things even if the main problem is solved for the time being, youll get another complaint or essay about how the fan was noisy or the fridge doesnt work anymore ! Thanks to those people i am very picky in choosing those who only bring out the best in me , and for me to do the same in other people's lives as well ! And some exhibit a pattern of "hoovering" when you distance yourself away , trying hard to cling on or even compulsively giving or asking about you just to cling on to you all again when you've distanced yourself again ! :)
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Comment by Gregory Boone on January 7, 2013 at 7:11pm
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This is a fresh reminder of why i got and continue to be sober...
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